feel so sick i can't move, don't want to do anything but sleep. horrible dreams haunt me and yet i still want to sleep. being awake doesn't seem that bad, however, once you get used to it. once you get used to saying that about it. yeah, i'll say it's not that bad. next day i get up and force myself to carry on. everything i see disgusts. i look around and everyone seems to be scratching lottery cards in hope of something. money can buy dreams. the solution to everything could be under that next scratch. every smell, every scent makes me want to vomit. activity is worthless. wait for the end. but it moves too slow, like a long drawn out and useless scratch. the dragging sickness of it creeps along, and in the end, it's the waiting that's unbearable. in the meantime these questions plague me. who doesn't want a bigger apartment, who doesn't want a better, higher paying job, so that you can waste your money on booze and drugs and dumb fucking bitches? i try to deny it, and rant and rave about it, but in the end who doesn't want it? i think i want to escape but in the end i just want stuff to worry about! i want stuff other people want to steal. but there's got to be more to life than material posessions. ah fuck, you know what? i think my penis needs to be bigger, i think it needs more girth. but what do i really care about a bigger dick? i don't want it that size for my own sake, but so that i can hurt people with it. now i realize, now i admit that hurting people with my cock would really make me feel better about myself. make me feel i've really made some sort of achievment. but now i feel closed in, i feel that claustrophobic feeling. i need to get out there and go places! who doesn't want to see the world in all its endless nauseation? to see the world.... big screen tvs? the price is dropping, i hear. such clarity of reception, such clarity of vision. great news! perfumes and clothes. got to look good, got to smell good. i just want to shoot everybody, i think about hanging myself every day, wonder what it feels like to be run over by the subway and then i see some woman with big fucking titties or a fuckable mouth and i'm distracted and i suddenly realize how easy it all is, and it makes me sick and makes me want curl up and sleep.