i wake up and am still in a bit of a haze when i click that mouse again, click, reload, now f5 to mix it up. nope. again, disappointment, again just some bullshit, again nothing really definitive. f5 and cnn dot com's breaking news is about how seven kids from one family are killed in a mangled, fiery crash. this doesn't affect me and i don't give a shit. f5 and now i learn that the mine survivor can swallow food and there's nothing all-destructive coming our way. f5 and i want to hear about Armageddon, f5 and i want to hear about how all the missiles have been launched. reload and i want to hear about that meteorite about to smash into the planet, f5 and i want to hear about this final plague, i don't know, anything that will end it all, a hoard of evil robot locusts, the fucking dead rising from the pits of hell and eating the flesh of the living. anything to work with. there's always the promise but it never works out. lots of fear but it never comes clean. missing nukes, biological weapons, maniacs in control of countries, killer pandemics, but it never develops. the world never gets what it deserves. and i realize that these problems aren't solved, aren't avoided through competence on anyone's part, its because it was all just bullshit to begin with. i'm clicking now at a faster pace and nothing is changing, the breaking news remains the same, the breaking news says that no one knows about who was driving that speeding car, how no one knows what charges exactly were laid against that celebrity, or how that other celebrity died, how no one knows, but everyone cares about the lay offs, the gas hikes, the third world child with the missing leg, the study that shows that turd is now good for you. click and f5 and now there is no breaking news at all, is the same as before, and the us government is defending itself against charges, defending itself against corruption, defending itself against whatever accusations terrorists, madmen, environmentalists, human rights activists are accusing them of, and there are no bombs, no plagues, no final and all encompassing shit-storm to wipe it all away. i can't go back to sleep, i can't say fuck it all, and i've got to put on pants, i've got to get out there and buy more soap, ride more streetcars, work more fucking days so that i can buy more booze and surf the fucking internet. everything is getting worse, but not as breaking news, its sliding slowly, its easing its way down, its fumbling and pathetic. ah fuck. f5. f5. f5. f5. f5.